March Madness

Go big or go home.

I've heard that more than once in the past few weeks while watching the Olympics. I suppose it makes sense that "go big or go home" should be the mantra of Olympic athletes. If you get to the Olympics you are clearly at the top of your game and you have put yourself on the line for a goal. Pretty sure there are no half-assed Olympians. They GO BIG. Or they just go home.

I'm feeling convicted by that message these days, and here's why: I am feeling like a half-assed blogger. A fraud. A wannabe. Whatever you want to call it. I am feeling like a blog loser. This blog was supposed to be about honesty. It was supposed to be a place to write down anything and everything. It was going to be a place to explore some things I am working through in my life. But it has turned out to be NONE of those things.

Do you remember my first post? My blog theology is turning out to be more than I can live up to.

I love to blog, I love to write. So what's the big deal?? The big deal is that I feel blocked and just plain scared to put myself out there. There are SO MANY things that I could blog about. Despite what this blog may portray I do have a fairly interesting life. I have interesting stories. Funny friends. Etc... I have things to say. But I can't find my focus, I can't find my voice. I am scared to write about work for fear someone will take it the wrong way and I will get fired. I am timid to write boldly and honestly about many things because...well...I don't know why. I just can't. I could write about parenting all the live long day but this blog is supposed to be about the OTHER things in life. Parenting, yes. But the other things, too.

I don't know what I'm so worried about because I only have like 5 devoted readers anyway!! lol ;)

The posts that I HAVE written on here are truly authentic, they were things that were on my mind, or things I wanted to write about and from my heart. I don't feel like a fraud in that way at all. So I don't feel like I have necessarily let YOU down (my 5 readers) but I do feel like I have let myself down. Does that make sense?

My other blog (The Chronicles of Miles) is totally different because I know exactly what I want from that: a scrapbook of our lives with our son. Done. But this blog....it's more intangible. More eclectic. So, I'm never sure what direction to move with it. And then there's the whole idea of my two blogs conflicting--on The Chronicles of Miles I might post a happy, smiley picture of my son and then over here on All of the Above I might have a post about how I am really struggling with whatever the issue of the moment is with him...and then I feel inauthentic. Both accounts are correct and honest and true. But to the outside person it looks like I am playing Jekyll and Hyde. It's a conundrum. The blogs serve two very separate purposes, but I don't want The Chronicles of Miles to be the happy blog and All of the Above to be the bitchy blog. You know?

At this point you are thinking, "Dude, if you can't write then just DON'T. It shouldn't be this hard. You are over thinking it." You are right. Totally. Forcing a blog because I think I should do it is NOT a good idea. But I do want to do it. I just have to get my focus, get clear about what I want this blog to be....and GO BIG. Or shut up.

So, here's my plan. I am going to blog every single day in March. I'm going to call it March Madness because I think it will drive me insane ;) I am just going to see where this takes me. At the end of March if I don't think I have found my mo-jo then this blog will be yet another one of the millions out there that are abandoned. Or, I will sell it to the highest bidder. Just kidding.

I have no clue what I am going to write about. I hope it will come to me. I am just going to write for ME and hope that whatever comes out is fairly readable.

Will I go big? We shall see...