Friday, February 19, 2010

Don't Ask

You know how there are certain questions that are just OFF LIMITS? Like, "How much do you weigh?" or "How much money do you make?" And they say you should never ask a women her age although that is much less of a faux pas in my eyes. Ask me again when I'm 40 and I might think differently about that.

The point is this: there are just certain things that you don't ask anyone. Ever. Right???

Here's another one to add to your list. Write this one down:

How much did your adoption cost?

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. I even had a hard time typing it.

And just why don't you ask such a question?

Because it's none of your damn business.

Oh, and did I mention that it's none of your bleep bleep bleeping business? Yeah, that too.

The rant is over and now the education begins.

Adoptive parents (at least most of the ones that I know) feel like when you ask that kind of question you are cheapening or degrading the way in which our child came into our families. I'm pretty sure I would never ask someone how much their c-section cost or how much they paid the doctor to pull the baby out of your va jay jay. I just wouldn't. Because it doesn't matter, does it?? No. It doesn't. And it doesn't matter how much we paid for the adoption in that same way.

You see, adoptive families already have a mountain to climb when trying to get people to understand that we are like any other family. A little different? Yes. But we love our kids just the same no matter how they come to us. A question like that just serves to draw the wedge between *them* and *us* even further.

And for the love of all that's holy please don't EVER EVER ask that question in front of an adopted child.

The other thing that is inferred in that kind of question is that adoption must be so expensive, how on earth can you afford it? Here's the deal on this one: We paid adoption professionals to help us be united with our child, yes. But in no way, shape or form do we ever think about the money as a sacrifice. It's not that we don't care or think about the costs associated with our adoption but ... it is what it is. It's a means to an end, the end being a child being joined with its forever family. Done.

And although most people want to make a big deal about the costs associated with adoption the truth is that it's not what's on the minds of most adoptive parents. You want to know what is? The paperwork, the homestudy, the social workers, the match process, and SO MUCH MORE. If you want to ask some good questions ask about that stuff! Adoptive parents are preparing for their child just as any other expecting parent would--nesting, shopping, babyproofing, etc... And AFTER the adoption process is over? Asking about how much it cost is such an absurd and irrelevant question there aren't even words. Our child is home with us where they belong! WHO CARES about the rest except for the person asking the stupid question?

And besides that it's none of your beeswax.

I would never associate a dollar amount with your child. Don't do that to mine.

I get the curiosity. I really do. But to ask that question is a huge faux pas.

Want to know how much adoption costs? Google it.

And then come back and talk to me about jumperoos and baby monitors. Because that is what I REALLY want to talk about.


  1. I was deathly afraid of using a door jumper. THankfully, my husband bolted it to the beams above our doorway. She loved that thing, but don't look up because the bolts are still there.


  2. @Girl Next Door - Exactly! That's why we didn't use a door one. Too scared it was a death trap. Instead we used on that was firmly planted on the floor ;)

  3. I never minded if someone asked me about adoption fees. Really. I always started the response with "Well- the FEES ASSOCIATED with the COST of adopting our child was ----whatever---." Then I would ask them how much it cost to birth their child.You would be surprise how many people don't even know. I took it as an opportunity to educate that person on why it even cost money for an adoption. I wanted that person to be clear that I didn't "buy" my child.

    The comment I got that did make me downright mad was "Why adopt? Make your mom proud and have one of your own." Now that torked me off.

  4. Amen! Just last week a coworker told me while we were eating lunch that she had seen an article about how expensive adoption is and expected me to comment. I wanted to throw up...on her!

  5. It's funny. I've prepared myself for so many of these comments, and the only one I've gotten so far (and a lot of it) is, "You know what happens after you adopt, don't you? You get PREGNANT!" I just nod and laugh, because what THEY don't know is that we've never tried to have our own kids. We've always stated that if we had kids, we'd adopt. It's just our wish. So. I'm on maximum birth control (not that you had to know), but the chances are pretty slim on me getting pregnant!

    I heard a story once where a father was in a grocery store with his Asian baby, and someone asked him at checkout where he got him. Without batting an eye, he said, "I think somewhere around Aisle 5!"

    I'm sure you could write a book about stupid (or simply uneducated comments), concerning adoption!


  6. Great post! My biggest peeve is when people make the comments about all the people getting "rich" off of adoption. Yeah, I see that happening *all*the*time... I mean, the social workers and foreign agencies are just swimming in money, right?! Whatever.

    Oh, and the jumparoo? My sister's first accident was cause of that thing.


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